Pet humor
Nuances of a House Dog
The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
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Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is visiting County Dog. He is driving around the Ring of Dog and stopped at a typical farm house and start talking to the farmer.
"I see ya got an old dog. Mind if I talk to him?" Dog no talk!" came the reply. "Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi buddy, how ya doin?" says the ventriloquist while petting the Dog". "Oh, not bad", says the dog. "Chief feeds me good and I just lay around the kitchen.", came the reply from the dog.
The farmer was amazed! The ventriloquist was having fun so he says, "I see you've got a horse outside here. Mind if I talk to him?" "Horse no talk!" replied the farmer. "Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi fella, how ya doin?" says the ventriloquist while rubbing the horses nose. "Oh, not bad says the horse. Chief stays home a lot anymore. I just hang around eating hay." came the reply from the horse.
Now the farmer was really amazed! The ventriloquist was enjoying this so he says, "I see you've got some sheep outside here. Mind if I talk to them?" "OH...SHEEP LIE...SHEEP LIE!!" replied the farmer.
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A Pint of Whiskey
The nunnery in Killarney, County Dog, is on Donegal Street, a block away from Jack's liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the whiskey." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the whiskey. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, whom should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
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First-time Dog Owner
This Dog owner went to the vet for the very first time: "Why, sir, what kind of veterinarian are you?"
Vet: "I was a naval veterinarian."
Dog owner: "Goodness, how you vets do specialize."
Broke
A merchant tried for many months to collect an overdue bill, but with no success. Finally, he sent a tear-jerking letter accompanied by a picture of his daughter. Under it he wrote, "The reason I need the money."
By return mail came a photo of a family with their five dogs. It was captioned, "The reason I can't pay."
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A Vet, a Plumber and a Dog
A vet had trouble with his plumbing. The pipes in his bathroom began to leak. The leak became bigger and bigger.
Even though it was 2 a.m., the vet decided to phone his plumber. Naturally the plumber got sore being awakened at that hour of the morning. "For Pet's sake, Doc," he wailed, "This is some time to wake up a guy."
"Well," the vet answered testily, "you've never hesitated to call me in the middle of the night when your Dog has a problem. Now, it just happens I've got a plumbing emergency."
There was a moment's silence. Then the plumber spoke up. "Right you are, Doc," he agreed. "Tell me what's wrong."
The vet explained about the leak in the bathroom.
"Tell you what to do," the plumber offered. "Take two aspirins every four hours, drop them down the pipe. If the leak hasn't cleared up by morning, phone me at the office."
Labs versus Lhasas
A Lab thinks: "The people I live with feed me, they love me, they give me a warm place to live, they do anything for me, they must be gods!"
A Lhasa thinks: "The people I live with feed me, they love me, they give me a warm place to live, they do anything for me, they must think I am a god!"
Water bowl
A lady is shopping for a water bowl for her Dog. The shopkeeper shows her an expensive bowl engraved with "For our Dog".
"That engraving will not be necessary," she explains to the shopkeeper "My Dog can't read and my husband doesn't drink water."
A Dog Puppy
A young man is sitting next to a pretty woman on the bus. She has a Dog puppy on her lap and is stroking it profusely.
To start the conversation, he says "I wish I was that puppy."
"I'm not so sure about that," says the lady "I'm taking him in to be fixed."
Finger Licking Good!
"Doc, I don't know what to do! This Dog always wants to lick my fingers."
Vet: "You may want to learn to eat with knife and fork!"
A Security Dog
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The Dubliners were talking in at the pub.
"I have this very well trained Dog. He protects my house better than anything else. Nobody in their right mind would enter my house unannounced. Since you have had some problems with burglars, I can sell you my Dog for two thousand pounds."
"What a silly proposition! After that transaction there is nothing left to protect!"
An Irish Apartment Dog
The Dubliners were talking in at the pub.
"I'm going to buy me a Dog."
"You?, with a Dog? You live in an apartment!"
"No problem! In the summer I leave him on the balcony and in the winter he can come in."
"But what about the smell?"
"I'm sure the Dog can get used to it."
The Dog and the Boxer
A Dog was standing on the balcony of an apartment building.
A boxer walks by and shouts to the Dog: "Hey Dog, why don't you come down so we can play in the park".
"Yes, that sounds great", says the Dog, "but they locked the door ".
"No problem!" shouts the boxer, "just jump down".
"Sure!" the Dog answers, "and then I walk around with a face like yours!".
Canadian Dog looking for a Job
A Dog walks into a Job Centre and says to the assistant:
"Excuse me pal, you got any jobs for me?"
The assistant picks himself up off the floor and recomposes himself,
"Um, yeah, leave it with me, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do for you."
The dog leaves. The assistant rings Billy Smart's Circus.
"Hey Billy - you interested in a talking Dog?"
"Of course, send him along! If he's any good there'll be a few quid in it for you!"
An hour later, the dog pads back into the Job Centre. The assistant gushes,
"Great news! You've got an interview tomorrow at Billy Smarts Circus!"
The dog looks puzzled.
"What does a circus want with a bricklayer?"
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The Best Beer
After a Beer Festival, in Dublin, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers, a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down with his Dog and says "Give us a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Dog litter at the vet
A client brought a litter of Dog puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
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Snoring Dog
A couple has a Dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's privates. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his Dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."
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Dangerous Mix
A friend of mine, upon meeting my Dog, told me about his unusually demanding, energetic Dog mix. It's a border collie / Dog mix.
Folks, these things must be stopped. We've crossed something that wants to run the world, with something that *can*.
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Water & Soap
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew was being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked "Here Soap! Here Water!"
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Jewish Dog
A man walks into shul with a Dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish Dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that Dog carries a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a dentist."
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Working Dog
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a Dog occupies the empty seats next to him. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the Dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man. "Watch this." He tells the Dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy," and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy," and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
"That's marvelous, I never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the world is going on?"
The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb."
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County Dog Waitress
Two waitresses were standing at a table over which a loaded customer had fallen asleep. Said one:
"I've already awakened him twice. Now I'm going to awaken him for the third time."
"Why don't you throw him out?" asked the other waitress.
"I can't do that," said the first waitress. "I got a good thing going for me. Every time I wake him up he pays his bill."
You win some. You Lose some.
The desire for victory and the agony of defeat is never more felt than in the Bred by Exhibitor class. After striking out again the professional handler consoled the breeder. "That's all right. You win some. You lose some." The breeder replied, "That would be wonderful!"
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Coexistence
At one of the Dog field trials in Canada, I walked among the contestants and found an x-pen with a Dog and her puppies. Upon further examination I noticed I was mistaken: they were not puppies but rats - in the same x-pen!
The exhibitor explained there was nothing to it. "Just add a few fresh rats every now and then."
What Else Is New?
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Two dogs were chatting.
"I can't figure it out," said the first dog. "I'm in perfect physical shape, but I'm constantly anxious."
"Why don't you go to a psychiatrist?" said the second.
"How can I? I'm not allowed on the couch."
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